someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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