Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
