the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
