just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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