she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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