I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
