she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
