I'm so fucking centered right now
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize