dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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