Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
