worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
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