I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
