Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?