I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
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That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
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I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything