Pants 0. Shit 1.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
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Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity