I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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