we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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