Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
