He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".