I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.