just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
