I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
