I am in a vortex of obligation.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
