so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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