nut hugger
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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