Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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