My cat gives me a boner
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
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You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
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I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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