my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
