So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
