dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.