i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
