Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
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