we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
