are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
