I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
