and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
