There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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