friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
