she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
