Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
