Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
