she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
