I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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