having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm like, not good at living.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
