you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
