We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
