How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
