my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
