im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
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There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
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I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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