No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
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Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
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YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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