I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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