The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
