I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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