it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
