I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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