dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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