Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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