he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
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I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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