after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
