i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It's blow job season.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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